I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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