can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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