I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
