I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
