So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
