it wasn't lemon gatorade
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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