You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
