I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
