so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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