I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
