A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
