he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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