Jerry, you need to find god
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
