P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
