saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
