Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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