this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
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You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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