Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
