My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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