Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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