You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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