Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
