Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
