WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
