I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
