Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
