I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
