Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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