i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
