it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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