you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
