Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
