You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
