if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
