I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
