There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
