We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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