i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
