My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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