When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
