just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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