didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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