His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
