i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
