i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
