I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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