i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
