And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
