today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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