happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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