he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize