Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
