i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i think i just lost a toe
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
