Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just high enough for therapy.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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